I'm Giving Up Coffee

You may be tempted to feel sad about this but I want to tell you that this IS NOT sad. It is just a part of my story and a part of what has made me who I am today. I really felt like I was supposed to share this. Today has been day 2 of no more drinking coffee. I will explain more about that in a future post, but I wanted to get this out of the way first because it’s been in my head and needed to get out. This has been pretty hard to do because drinking coffee has been a very emotional thing for me since I was 16.  Part of understanding this requires me to share a little bit more about me with you. 

I didn’t have the opportunity to be very close to my mom for a lot of my life. I went get into a ton of that today, ( I am happy to share my story with anyone who ever wants to hear it, and I will probably eventually get it all out in tiny bits and pieces here and there, but that's not the point of this post). I went to live in a foster home at 9 and was adopted by my grandparents at 13. I was only allowed to see my mother for a few hours on Saturdays. I talked to her on the phone a few days a week for a few days a week and that was it. 

A lot of that changed when I was 16 and had my twins. I started being able to see her whenever I wanted and actually went to her house a few times a week. Eventually I even got to spend Christmases with her and my sister. It was awkward at first because the relationship was never really mom and daughter so much as it was awkward friends. In fact, my brother that I have raised for the past 7 years told me recently that he had no idea that I was his sister until after my mom passed. He just thought I was her friend. Certain topics were completely off limits and I didn’t see eye to eye with her on a lot of things, One thing that helped us bond and gave us something to talk about  during each visit was coffee. It became a ritual of sorts. As soon as I came over she would brew a pot and we would decide which flavors to try. She would buy special coffee cups and creamers and things for us to try together. Her Christmas gift to me every year was the Starbucks Christmas blend. We both loved it and would wait and drink our first cup of the season together, 

Shortly after my father died my mom and I got a lot closer and we became real friends. We had some incredibly hard painful conversations but we were the better for them. A few years later she started to have back issues- she had to quit working and went on disability because she could barely walk. They gave her epidurals that lasted about 30 days and those helped her immensely. But the last few days before it was time for her to get a new one, she would be almost immobile. It started to be me who did the shopping and the coffee making, because eventually she was wheelchair bound for walks longer than to her car from the house. 

7 years ago, I bought a new flavor of coffee to try because I thought my mom would like it. I had actually just finished drinking a cup of that coffee when I got a knock on my door from a policeman saying that they needed me to come to the hospital right away because she was there. I had no idea that she was already gone. They don’t tell you that apparently, even if they already know.  I was excited to tell her that I had a new coffee she was going to absolutely love and that I was going to make it for her as soon as she got home. That day was the first and last time I ever drank it because I couldn't bring myself to touch it again. It’s absurd in light of everything else but I was so upset that she was never going to even get to taste the new coffee I picked out for her.

Obviously coffee has some deep emotional ties for me. I hear it brewing and smell it, and literally think of happy times spent with my mom. When I am trying to connect with someone, I automatically tie in coffee without even thinking about it. I  have wanted to quit for some time, and I didn’t like the idea of being addicted to something.  I just didn’t know how to get past the idea of it making me sad not to have it anymore and make that choice for myself. This post has no other purpose than to share a little bit about myself with you and share where I am at right now. I know my mom would support me in this new journey and would happily drink tea with me instead. Chris and I have some pretty exciting news to share with you guys soon and giving up coffee is part of that, so I wanted to share how hard this was for me to help you understand me better. No, I am not pregnant, haha. I can’t wait to share all of that with you guys really soon! 

The picture is a picture of my mom holding Alex the day he was born, and the big kid on her lap is Adam, my little brother meeting him for the first time. Day 2 of no coffee has so far been a lot easier than I thought it would be. Especially because we had to get up extra early this morning and I haven’t had time for any naps. Do you drink coffee? Do you have any emotional ties to it? If not, is there some other food or drink that has special memories for you?