I am an Enneagram 9

I have always been a bit of a people pleaser. A chameleon who adapted to fit into whatever situation I needed to in the way that caused the least amount of friction. In my adult life, it meant getting as little attention as possible because it was just easier that way. Conflict and confrontation are my achilles heel. I have always done almost ANYTHING I could to avoid them. I spent half of my life being screamed at and the other half trying to avoid that scenario and the feelings that come along with that, even if they were necessary or helpful. 

That looked different in different situations. It meant that my life philosophy has always been grin and bear it. Whatever it might be. It meant that I often found myself in situations that made me uncomfortable or miserable but I went along with it because, "it would be over soon enough". Or because it could always be worse. At least no one is mad at me or rejecting me. Sometimes I made myself smaller to try and go unnoticed completely. Sometimes I had to pretend to be someone I was not. Sometimes I had to just learn that no one really cared what I had to say, (they told me to be quiet often enough that I know it was true. I tended to talk too much as a kid. Sometimes I still do according to some). That meant I had to just not join in conversations even if I had something to say because it was better than being told to stop talking.

I have always been able to be myself when I am comfortable with someone or a situation but never completely. I always avoided conflict or my perception of conflict in whatever way necessary, even in my marriage, parenting and friendships. I ended up losing friends to unresolved issues because it was more peaceful than God forbid, speaking up and risking a fight or be made fun of. It meant storing anger up deep inside and stuffing my emotions to the point that I basically felt nothing at all because the alternative was worse. I have let too many people treat me badly because it was just easier. 

If my food was wrong at a restaurant, nothing could convince me to say something for fear of upsetting someone. If I didn't agree with something someone was doing or how they were treating me, if I showed it at all, it was very passive aggressive. And only then because I couldn't help it. Some of you know that experience well. I am working on learning how to share those feelings before they get to a stressful stage. I am still very bad at it- I still grin and bear it most of the time. Sometimes my fear of judgement or conflict was just absurd. For example, I wouldn't enable to share your listening feature on Spotify because I was afraid someone would disapprove of what I was listening to or think it was lame. Yes really. A few months ago I made myself start sharing because that's a great way for others to discover awesome things, and because I am actively trying to let this part of me go. It was REALLY hard to do that and for a long time I actually censored what I was listening to because I knew people would see it!!! 

Feeling only the most extreme emotions- practically numb, is not a great way to go through life, I do not recommend it. You miss out on a lot. I have no idea why I am actually sharing this with you guys. I don't have a neat conclusion yet, I am a work in progress. But I HAVE come a long long way. I feel my feelings now. More every day. I am learning to process them instead of ignore them, and sometimes even resolve them! I guess I am sharing because I needed to process and sort through some things and this is kind of where I do that for now. I continue to be surprised and comforted by your encouragement. When I first started sharing my heart I expected ridicule, or at best to be ignored. But instead I have been met with enthusiasm and praise. Thank you to those who take the time to read what I write and for those who are so kind. I am so glad you are my friends and that get to know each other a little better as time goes on.